Casey from Denver- choosing people over place

Stephanie also met Casey, who discussed the unimportance of place when enjoying the comfort zone with friends.

"Casey told me a story about what was supposed to be an epic night of clubhopping in downtown Denver. “We were all ready with our cute outfits and all – and I’d gotten new heels - and then we found out that our friend Becca was down with the flu and wasn’t coming out with us. The rest of us could have still gone out, but none of us felt like it.”

Instead, they drove to Becca’s house, still all dressed up, and had a night-in, keeping their friend company, ordering take-out and watching tivo’ed episodes of Project Runway."

What I love about this story is that the group felt unable to go out when just one person fell out. For them it was a no-brainer that they’d have a better time together, regardless of where they were.

The Big Five

Stephanie has been doing some more great Xploring in the US, this time from Denver. She talked to Mel.

Mel met some of her closest friends while on a yearlong stay in Nairobi, Kenya. “We’re social workers who worked at neighboring orphanages… the five of us bonded laughing over the difficulties of living in a totally different culture.”

Like a lot of close groups, they have names for each other. They call each other the Big Five, after the five types of game animals that roam the wild Kenyan Serengeti. Mel (the designated “rhino” of the group), now lives in Denver, Colorado, but she’s made big efforts to stay in touch with the Big Five.
“We talk on the phone all the time…but when we’re busy, it gets dangerous! We tell each other we’re only going to catch up for 10 minutes, but before you know it, an hour and a half goes by.” Whenever they’re together, time warps. “And when a few weeks have gone by without catching up with the girls, it can feel like years have passed.” They call the phenomenon EST or “Elephant Standard Time” – and now, whenever they’re together, keeping time becomes irrelevant.

The things you can only do with friends

There are certain things which you would only do when surrounded by close friends. Alex lives in Champagne, Illinois but when he gets a chance to head to Detroit for work, he stays with his friend and brother-in-law, Brian. It’s like a second home to him.

He’s so comfortable when he’s there, in fact, that he’ll do whatever he feels like in Brian’s home, like paring a glass of Riesling with some spicy Cheetos while he works on his doctorate dissertation. Sure, it’s weird, but when you’re in your comfort zone, there’s no judgment.

Collecting connections

The previous post is actually directly related to a story we heard during our Xploring in America. Jimmy is a great example of someone who collects contacts, but that doesn't change his need for close friends.

“Jimmy is a great schmoozer," his friend Kenson tell us, "He made so many friends and connections that it ended up with him getting a job as the White House rep for Asian-Americans.” With thousands of friends on his facebook and an even greater arsenal of names in his blackberry, Jimmy is well-connected.

However when it comes to what energizes him, Jimmy is more invested in his much smaller circle of ten close friends that he keeps in touch with every single day. That circle includes Kenson and his wife, Susan. “It’s kind of a ritual for me; I’ll call or message them everyday, even if it’s just to say hi,” Jimmy told me. “Connecting to them is my way of winding down. They’re the ones who know me. They get what I’m about. There’s something life-giving about that.”

Planned Spontaneity

The joy of no agenda connecting is in the spontaneity, but if you can't plan for it, you can certainly lay the groundwork. At the weekend I went Xploring with a group of friends, and you could not imagine a more condusive environment to honest connections.

Elements required:
- Relaxing and distraction-free environment: An empty farm-house in rural Somerset
- A group of close friends: University friends who have not seen each other for months
- The right atmosphere: Relaxing, calm, happy, convivial, conspiratorial, honest, open.

Even with the elements arranged there is no way to predict when the moment will occur. Interestingly there was a palpable sense that everyone present wanted the evening to develop into that sharing atmosphere, and yet it still had to come about organically. The planned dinner games and organized fun filled the void while we moved into a more free and honest frame of mind and could get on with what we were all there for. Before long the games collapsed and conversations sprung up all over the room. The evening then progressed of its own accord, directed by no-one and only ending when it had exhausted itself. It is perhaps best described as a moment of letting go; letting go of the plans and the arrangements, and allowing serendipity to rule.