Casey from Denver- choosing people over place

Stephanie also met Casey, who discussed the unimportance of place when enjoying the comfort zone with friends.

"Casey told me a story about what was supposed to be an epic night of clubhopping in downtown Denver. “We were all ready with our cute outfits and all – and I’d gotten new heels - and then we found out that our friend Becca was down with the flu and wasn’t coming out with us. The rest of us could have still gone out, but none of us felt like it.”

Instead, they drove to Becca’s house, still all dressed up, and had a night-in, keeping their friend company, ordering take-out and watching tivo’ed episodes of Project Runway."

What I love about this story is that the group felt unable to go out when just one person fell out. For them it was a no-brainer that they’d have a better time together, regardless of where they were.

The Big Five

Stephanie has been doing some more great Xploring in the US, this time from Denver. She talked to Mel.

Mel met some of her closest friends while on a yearlong stay in Nairobi, Kenya. “We’re social workers who worked at neighboring orphanages… the five of us bonded laughing over the difficulties of living in a totally different culture.”

Like a lot of close groups, they have names for each other. They call each other the Big Five, after the five types of game animals that roam the wild Kenyan Serengeti. Mel (the designated “rhino” of the group), now lives in Denver, Colorado, but she’s made big efforts to stay in touch with the Big Five.
“We talk on the phone all the time…but when we’re busy, it gets dangerous! We tell each other we’re only going to catch up for 10 minutes, but before you know it, an hour and a half goes by.” Whenever they’re together, time warps. “And when a few weeks have gone by without catching up with the girls, it can feel like years have passed.” They call the phenomenon EST or “Elephant Standard Time” – and now, whenever they’re together, keeping time becomes irrelevant.

Pub & club friends VS Morning, park and sunday roast friends

Mark and Les met in 1993. Mark was working as a photographer and Les was a Punk, modeling for the shoot. Mark had some of the photos with him. Lily Savage was there, just starting out on her career, and Les was photographed against a brick wall, with huge spikes in his hair.

Their friendship began when they moved close to each other in Islington. They soon realised they were both gay and had spent the last 10 years going to all the same bars and clubs, without meeting. They both loved the Scala cinema, where you could see back to back Fassbender movies for £3, and they were both part of trendy gay scene of Paradise, Heaven and Asylum. By the time they met though, their party days were behind them.

“When you’re young you look for friends who are fun. You take them for granted because you have loads of them, but they are all what I call “club and pub friends”. You spend 3 nights out with them but you don’t want to see each other in the morning... They only see the ‘going out’ you"”

Mark and Les have a different kind of friendship. They are entirely comfortable seeing each other in the morning, or any other time of the day. They do go to pubs for a drink, walks in the park, Sunday roasts, and movies after work. Mark is embarrassed by how mundane their activities must seem to me. “Its terribly boring but we enjoy parks and walking.”

Far from being boring though, it seems to be the most special kind of friendship- one which doesn’t need to be propped up by parties/ clubs/ trendy events to survive. It is utterly trusting another individual and knowing they understand the real you.

The difficulty of advertising friends

There are few brands out there who would not wish to attract groups of friends to buy their product and to make it part of their relationship with each other. However the history of advertising to this group reveals a lot about how difficult it is to understand friendship.

Of course there are some who nailed it. Budweiser Whassup springs to mind as capturing the effortless special relationship shared between buddies. This Heart FM ad had a nice unspoken dialogue between women. You might also look at Mcdonalds' recent work, which has some moments of naturalism, or the Carling Space ad.

The failure hall of fame is a lot more crowded however. There are almost limitless examples of stilted dialogue and stereotyped scenarios. The Jacobs Creek is a good example, as is anything from DFS. And too many of them remind me of this utterly weird Microsoft ad.

Clearly friendship is a more complex and interesting phenomenon than many ads give it credit for. It is not a group of attractive people laughing with each other, but is far closer to the multi-faceted relationships captured in film and tv.

The Moments that bond us

There are those parties which go down in history; where everything which can happen, does, and it becomes woven into the history of your friendship. For me it was a party at my friend Alex's houses, where Richard fell through the ceiling, Alex fell asleep on a trampoline and I found myself a girlfriend. For Sam, Lauren, Kirsten and Karen, who we met last night, it was a New Year's Eve Party.

"Was I there", asks Karen. The others all start laughing.
"The one with Cheryl"
Karen bursts out laughing. "Oh yeah. God that was a good party." Kirsten had invited all her best friends, from uni, school and work. Karen told us about her run in with Cheryl, an immaculately dressed mutual acquaintance.
"Well first I kept calling her Helen, which obviously she wasn't too keen on. Then later on in the evening, I was plastered, and she was looking around for her cardigan, I think it was Vivienne Westwood- and there was I- standing on it and using it to clean the floor."
Sam cuts in, "And Karen said, "Sorry Helen"." They all burst out laughing.
"And James met Mo Mowlem!" We look at Lauren, a bit taken aback. "Yeah, he was wondering home afterward and he got a picture with her"

You get the impression there are a hundred other stories mutually remembered at that moment, as the whole evening rushes back to them as a group.

No company better

Emily and Monique met 12 years ago, and they have been best friends ever since. They went to the same drama school, but only met afterwards, when Emily’s friend Martin was directing a short film, which starred Nicola’s friend Naomi, who knew Monique (follow that?).

Their first memory together is a garden party, put on by Naomi, who incidentally, now lives in LA and the girls never see “She is high maintenance and one of those people who make you feel bad about yourself….”

“I was cooking. Do you remember?” Emily laughed, “Naomi had just given me this apron. That’s classic Naomi – invite you to a party then get you to cook and clean”…

At some point in the evening, Emily and Monique met in the kitchen. They instantly hit it off – “The party was full of pretentious actors. But Emily and I discovered we were the same… We laugh at the same stuff. We have the same sense of humour”…

Both friends can vividly remember their meeting – it was summer, a bbq smell was wafting through the window and people outside sitting on rugs in the grass”.

 “Dr Leg was there!!!!” Emma burst out. We didn’t know who Dr. Leg was but they soon described the Eastenders character and a conversation started about how he had been mugged.

The ease of their relationship is obvious when they start comparing it to how they feel around their mutual ‘friend’ Naomi. “Its such an effort with her -always. There is on-up-man-ship and every comment is double-edged. Your skin crawls when you are in those conversations.”

Compare this to the way the make each other feel – “When I think of Monique I think of her blonde flicky hair and her smile – she’s always smiling at me. A lot of the time we’re with each other we don’t even talk! She’ll come over to mine, I’ll be cooking dinner, she’ll be reading magazines on the couch and will shout through the hall that Jennifer Aniston has been dumped again! We’ll eat and watch telly and laugh… It’s bliss.”

For me, Monique and Emily have created a perfect comfort zone in each other. There’s no place either girl would rather be than in the company of one another. Not even Brad Pitt could steal them away.

The Sigh of Relief

While talking to a group of best friends last night, we were struck with a revelation about the Comfort Zone. The times when we feel most safe, comfortable and at ease tend to be after moments of discomfort. It is only being forced out of our comfort zone, which makes us appreciate getting back inside it.

For example, Lucy and Emily have a friend called Nicola who they both find irritating. She is stressful to talk to. Lucy called it "playing bat and ball", describing the competitive back and forth of conversation. It puts them on edge to talk to Nicola as they have to perform, and ironically, even though they are both part time actors, it is this need to put on a show which makes them feel so ill at ease. In contrast though, when Nicola leaves and they are free to talk, there is a literal sigh of relief. They smile and laugh and let it all out. Suddenly they feel "this is how it is supposed to be" and can finally relax and enjoy themselves.

Sam had a similiar tale. We asked her for her perfect moment with friends, and she chose the time just after her wedding. After all the stress of preparation, the excitement and expectations for the big event, she most enjoyed getting back to their house, putting on some music and chatting with friends. "The guys all loosened their ties and it just felt so good to be there with all my favourite people."

And lastly, perhaps Boxing Day is the most clear example of this. Christmas is one of the most stressful days of the year for many, and that moment when all the relatives leave on Boxing Day morning, there is an instant change in mood. I remember my Mum and Dad hugging as they closed the door on the final aunty, so overwhelmed with relief. You regain control at that moment and can once again choose who your spend you time with.

So whenever we are forced out of our comfort zone, it is worth remembering it is there waiting for us and it will be all the better having been briefly absent.

The Richard Curtis dynamic

If you were to list directors known for Rom-Coms, Richard Curtis would surely be the top of the list. From Four Weddings to Love Actually, he has always dealt with modern love. When he directed The Boat that Rocked, his most recent film, many felt it was a radical change of direction, as he focused his sights on friendship instead.

However looking over his back catalogue, it is a series of films where friendship is central. From Bridget Jones and Four Weddings, mentioned below, to Love Actually, Notting hill and even The Vicar of Dibley. In all of them the central character (often played by Hugh Grant), is surrounded by a group of loveable and close friends. In fact it is only through this caring and compassionate group that he can survive the torments of love. Friendship is the eternal, solid relationship.

But I think it is also that while we might watch the film longing for a wild romance like those depicted, we are more likely to identify with the friends. They are a model of loving, comfortable friendship who amass experiences together, intuitively understand each other and remain a constant part in each others lives regardless of what is happening around them. It is the relationship that, while being most important to us, is forever overlooked and ignored.

The secret life of friends

What do you call your best group of friends? Carrie called Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte ‘The Girls’. The Entourage boys are a ‘Posse’. In Soprano’s it is ‘The Family’.

Whatever they’re called, it’s fascinating to observe tight groups of friends. Their shared histories and experiences mean the banter is better, the stories are richer, and the in-jokes funnier. 

Below are some popular sitcoms and films that celebrate the 'secret life' of friends.

Entourage 

The Big Chill

Reality Bites 

Bridget Jones' Diary

Four Weddings and a Funeral 

The Sopranos

 
Sex and the City

The things you can only do with friends

There are certain things which you would only do when surrounded by close friends. Alex lives in Champagne, Illinois but when he gets a chance to head to Detroit for work, he stays with his friend and brother-in-law, Brian. It’s like a second home to him.

He’s so comfortable when he’s there, in fact, that he’ll do whatever he feels like in Brian’s home, like paring a glass of Riesling with some spicy Cheetos while he works on his doctorate dissertation. Sure, it’s weird, but when you’re in your comfort zone, there’s no judgment.

Coffee and Cigarettes: The (Un)comfort Zone

The independent film, Coffee and Cigarettes, directed by Jim Jarmusch (2003) is a fascinating study in what makes a comfort zone - and what doesn't.

The film is made up of 11 vignettes, each involving the characters sitting around the same American diner, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, discussing subjects as diverse as caffeine popsicles, Elvis conspiracy theories, the proper preparation of English tea and Paris in the 20s.

Rock n Roll legends Tom Waite and Iggy Pop meet up in what appears to be a blind date scenario. In spite of the relaxed, comfortable setting, and their mutual interests in music, the conversation that follows is hilariously uncomfortable.

Iggy: Do you hang out here a lot?

Tom: Yeah, yeah it’s my hang out…

Iggy: Huh. Just wondered because I haven’t seen any of your stuff on the Jukebox…

Tom: Well. If you don’t like it here we can go down to Taco Bell or sumthin, maybe that’s more your style?

Iggy: What are you saying man? You saying like, that I’m a Taco Bell kinda guy?

Eventually, Iggy takes off, leaving Tom to pay the bill.

Jarmusch leads us to consider how difficult it is to get into our comfort zone. It’s not dependent on where you are or what you are doing, it's dependent on who you are with and how they make you feel.

Watch the scene here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6Mw6b1T50U

Collecting connections

The previous post is actually directly related to a story we heard during our Xploring in America. Jimmy is a great example of someone who collects contacts, but that doesn't change his need for close friends.

“Jimmy is a great schmoozer," his friend Kenson tell us, "He made so many friends and connections that it ended up with him getting a job as the White House rep for Asian-Americans.” With thousands of friends on his facebook and an even greater arsenal of names in his blackberry, Jimmy is well-connected.

However when it comes to what energizes him, Jimmy is more invested in his much smaller circle of ten close friends that he keeps in touch with every single day. That circle includes Kenson and his wife, Susan. “It’s kind of a ritual for me; I’ll call or message them everyday, even if it’s just to say hi,” Jimmy told me. “Connecting to them is my way of winding down. They’re the ones who know me. They get what I’m about. There’s something life-giving about that.”

Friend addiction overload

Here's proof to what we already suspected.

A study led by Professor Robin Dunbar at Oxford University has proven that while we may be able to amass thousands of friends on Facebook, the human brain is incapable of managing more than 150.

Dunbar has conducted a study of social groupings throughout the centuries, from neolithic villages to modern office environments.

His research has revealed that, despite the introduction of social networking sites, the number of meaningful friendships is the same as it has been throughout history.

'The interesting thing is that you can have 1,500 friends but when you actually look at traffic on sites, you see people maintain the same inner circle of around 150 people that we observe in the real world,' said Dunbar.

'People obviously like the kudos of having hundreds of friends but the reality is that they’re unlikely to be bigger than anyone else’s.' Dunbar's findings, due to be published this year, will be welcomed by psychologists who warn that Facebook is driving a worrying trend of 'friendship addiction' causing insecurity in those who use it.

Creative Content Sessions

Here are the videos of the Creative Content sessions, held simultaneously in New York and London on the 14th and 15th of April. There was some great creative thinking in both sessions, involving a fantastic group of people. Many of the learnings will be uploaded onto the blog in the coming weeks. Take a look at the highlights.

Unshakeable friendship

Following on from my post about the enduring love of friends, here is a post from our US based planner, Stephanie, on Tara and her BFs.

“Tara and her best friends don’t get to see each other much. Since graduating from the University, work and relationships have scattered these ladies all across the country.

While Tara is still based in her home-town of Detroit, her friends now live in and around New York, Atlanta, St. Louis, and San Jose. Yet, once a year, “the posse” make sure they get together for at least one big meet-up. This year, it was a cruise to Cozumel.

“I love seeing my girls,” Tara told me. “Whenever we come together, we get right back into the rhythm. It’s like time never really passed.” Yet, while their friendship has endured over the years, their lives haven’t stayed the same. One friend now has three kids. Another is going through a divorce, and another is about to get a big promotion. Tara acknowledges that her commitment to these friends is "forever". 

They may lead entirely different lives and be scattered around the country, but their friendship is unshakeable.

The love of friends

We have heard from Aristotle and Socrates on this blog already, so now it's Shakespeare's turn! 

Here, in Sonnet 116, Shakespeare shares his point of view on love. Love, he says, is constant, and does not fade with time. It is a guiding star to lost ships that is not susceptible to storms, rather looks on “tempests and is never shaken”. 

Most critics agree, this is a poem about romantic love (a direct address to the author’s mistress) but we can apply the same sentiment to the enduring love shared between friends.

As we have learnt from different people across the globe, the love they have for their best friends can withstand any number of trials and tribulations. No matter how many years spent apart, or how many miles between them, their love continues to “the edge of doom.”

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

   If this be error and upon me proved,

   I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Phone a Friend

I have blogged a lot lately on the importance of ‘sharing salt’ with friends – that is sitting down together, sharing a meal or a drink, and enjoying each other’s company face to face.

But sometimes this simply isn’t possible.

Stephanie (our fab US based Xplorer) met up with Meg, a busy interior designer from Indiana. Meg has been best friends with Ruthie for over a decade (ever since bonding over paint brushes and sequins when they were a part of the stage crew of their local high school theatre club). But in between work-family-travel-more work- family-travel, Meg barely has time to catch a glimpse of her old friend.

Meg recently had to go out of town to Los Angeles for a design convention. Worn out from a busy day and a long flight to LAX, all Meg wanted to do was to head out of the chaotic airport, climb into a cab, close her eyes and get to the hotel as soon as possible. To her dismay, she found herself in the clutches of a chatty cab driver. “I was afraid he was going to keep gabbing and asking me questions for the entire 45 minute ride!”, Meg told me, laughing. “Thankfully, it was right then that Ruthie called me. I spent the rest of the ride talking on my cell phone and telling her about my day, my new designs, my plans for the business, her sick cat, my husband, home... I didn’t get to close my eyes, but having that conversation with her, instead of the mindless small talk, recharged me.”

Truth is, conversation between great friends recharges the spirit, even when it’s down a telephone line, across 6 states and 2,000 miles.

Supper club: A table of friends

Here's a great post from Stephanie Yee-Loong, our New York based Xplorer. Here, Stephanie met up with Cat from Ohio:

"Once a month, Cat and her friends put together a 'Supper Club". A week before, they pick a food theme and everyone in this circle of foodie friends gets busy dreaming up the dish they’ll whip up. Last month, their table was spread with veggies galore for their “green” theme in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. They’ve even celebrated November with their spin on pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes for a “Thanksgiving, Deconstructed.”

“When the club first began, some of my friends were a little intimidated because they don’t cook that much. But it’s not really about the food as much as it is about the company... 

"At their last Supper Club  (theme: buffalo wings), they surprised their friend JR with a birthday cake. The icing melted before the cake even got to the table, but it was a “flop” among friends. That night, JR posted a facebook status: “Birthday cake – somehow they made a ‘JR’ (it’s there, trust me). I have incredible friends.”

Madrid: A fine Bromance

Below is another wonderful story from Coco Videla, our Planning Director in Madrid. Here she talks about the enduring "Bromance" shared between best friends, Jorge and Amri.

"Jorge and Amrit are tight like glue. Childhood friends, roomies, work buddies, weekend DJ’ers and aspiring business partners. Their lives are fantastically intertwined from the moment they wake up.

"Like any good old buds, their dialogue is like a long monologue fueled by playful banter, interjections, finishing each other’s sentences and the occasional inside joke. At one point it was hard to tell who said what, and who thought what. It went something like this.

Jorge: We have this groovy ritual every morning-
Amrit: The first person to wake up chooses the “rev up” tune for the day
Jorge: That we have to dance to all morning
Amrit: Now that I think of it, it would be funny to watch
Jorge: LOL yeah, two guys totally grooving while we’re brushing our teeth and picking our shirts-
Amrit: Having breakfast, driving to work
Jorge: LOL Driving to work is the best
Coco: What happens when a girl stays over?
Amrit: LOL
Jorge: Sometimes they get into it…sometimes..
Amrit: they just think we’re really strange. LOL

"It turns out their morning groove is only the first in a long line of rituals that make their bromance so fine. Take their brainstorm hour, for instance. While they both work at Thomsom Reuters, one day they really want to be business partners. So much so they literally schedule a brainstorm hour every week where they think of things they could be doing. And it’s not just talk! Their meetings end with next steps and homework and from what they’ve shared, pretty solid ideas! Other rituals include poker nights, getting tailor-made shirts and my favorite, getting into crazy costumes!

"Jorge and Amrit share the kind of bond, depth, fun and kindred souls that you could never find with 1,000 Facebook friends or on a night in a VIP lounge. Theirs is the kind of friendship that has no other agenda but to truly enjoy the company of each other and make the most of the trivial, everyday moments."

Sorry - We're Closed

"It’s not a secret that Spain and Italy operate on their own clock. Shops open at 11. Lunch is not served before 1:30. EVERYTHING is closed for three hours in the middle of the day. In Milan you can go for an apero at 7, but you need to hurry because by 9 the place has cleared. In Madrid an “early” dinner starts around 9:30pm and nightclubs don’t fill up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Sundays, unless you plan to go to church, brunch or a big mall, you’re better off staying home.  The best tip to get on Spanish or Italian time is to eat when you’re supposed to, go out when everyone else is out and don’t try to do anything mid-afternoon.

"For some foreigners the strict adherence to these schedules may be inconvenient and even unnatural. But as anyone who has lived in either country will tell you, these “sacred hours” force people to slow down and go with the flow. More importantly, they encourage people to eat, drink and be merry along with everybody else. These two cultures take great pride in their “live to work, not work to live” philosophy. They are the kings of living happily in their comfort zone. Whatever you do, don’t mess with their clock!"

From Coco Videla, Saatchi & Saatchi Planning Director, Madrid & Milan 

Sharing Secrets

Image Source: Post Secret

We all long to share ourselves with others, whether we find it easy or challenging. The internet has revealed this to be far more pervasive than we could have imagined. There is Frank Warren's infamous Post Secret, which has led to a best selling book release. There are a slew of blogs along the lines of FML and Texts from Last Night, where we share every aspect of our embarrassing lives. You might also include the proliferation of recommendation apps such as Foursquare, Nike True City, or the Saatchi and Saatchi application which turned into a business- Secret London. What all of these have in common is the sharing of secrets. We are unable to keep them in. As Benjamin Franklin said,

"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

For while secrets themselves isolate us, sharing them connects us with others. We recognize ourselves in each others revelations, and we build bonds which rely on trust. Only your best friends should be party to your deepest secrets.

So maybe its about time we all opened up and let them out- though perhaps not without a drink first!

Friends make the whole world feel like home

Hermann Hesse once said, ‘When the ways of friends converge, the whole world looks like home for an hour’

This is certainly true for Roger and his mates. Roger left Australia for London six years ago. Life in this big city has bought him within orbit of a wide range of amiable people - dates, workmates, next door neighbours, friends of friends. 

But for Roger, these people are good only as acquaintances; they leave him stranded when it comes to real connection and intimacy.

This is where his mates 12,000 miles away come in. Every year they plan a holiday all together (sometimes girlfriends/ wives come along for the ride too). This year, they all went to Corsica in Croatia, and sailed around for 10 days on a chartered boat.

This trip gave Roger what he'd been longing for - time with people that know him, inside and out. He finds their company solidifies his sense of self and happiness: "It's liberating to be free and mobile in London, but I also crave time with my old mates. It's not that I’m unhappy without them - I am just happiest when they’re here."

The clock disappears

Here is another post from Flora Provrebio, a planner at Saatchi & Saatchi, Buenos Aires.

“Friday night Mechi and her friends got together at Mechi’s house. Everyone was exhausted so they decided to just do nothing: stay in and have some drinks, perhaps watch some TV and go to bed early.

“But, Paula was upset: she was considering breaking up with her boyfriend (with whom she was house-hunting to start living together!!!). She confessed that she was cheating on him with an intern. She was so confused…

“Immediately the “circle of advice” began and the girls went from sleepy to sharpie: it was a hard topic and each one of them spoke from the heart. They wanted to help their friend to sort things out.

“The beers kept coming and although everyone was yawning the conversation went on for hours.

The insight here is that when a true friend needs to talk about something important, the clock disappears.

The essential difference between family, lovers and friends

Mark Vernon, a popular contemporary philosopher (and resident lecturer at The School of Life) describes the essential difference between the love shared between family, lovers and friends.

“The love shared in families is one that longs to care for others. The love shared by lovers is one that longs to have another. And the love shared by friends is one that longs to know another, and be known by them.”

This, I believe, is why friendship is characterised by the act of talking face-to-face. To know one another we must spend time together, talking candidly about our innermost feelings, dreams and desires.

Electric conversation

I love this story from one of our star planners in Buenos Aires, Flora Provrebio. She spent three hours with best friends Anna and Chula, both 28. Sitting on Anna's bed, drinking, smoking and chatting, Flora observed this of their conversation:

"Conversation will flow freely from one thing to the next. It doesn’t matter whether the subject is shallow or deep – a big or small deal –they talk about everything…

"Some of the topics covered were: Dresses for upcoming weddings; Religion & marriage: are those outdated institutions, or they are evolving?; Priests and lifestyles: is a priest (who never got married or had sex) capable of giving couple advice?; Chile earthquake and natural disasters (Tsunami, Katrina): are we responsible; World ending in 2012 y new World theories; Several urban legends; Boyfriends; Laser hair removal....

"It doesn't matter whether a topic fun, frivolous, deep or intense, the conversation between best friends is electric and always entertaining."

I couldn't agree more!  

Its time to slow down

 IMAGE: Good Magazine- Article on the future of "slowness"

The fantastic GOOD Magazine recently did an issue entitled "Slow": a manifesto for slowing our lives and taking time to appreciate our surroundings. Among the articles were instructions to build yourself an escape, help with slowing down your mind and a call to stop multitasking ourselves to death. Our screen based lives are tuned to be as fast as possible, diminishing time to nothing. Perhaps we need to learn to move at a more leisurely pace.

Take some time off to give it a read.

Track your Happiness

The ability to log everything we do, from tracking our sleep cycle to analysing our runs, can give us insights into our lives. Recently I took part in a Happiness Tracking Project, and as we have been discussing how you achieve happiness, I thought I'd share a couple of my results.

Alone?

Firstly I had always thought I was pretty happy being alone, and I live on my own and enjoy it. However over the month I did the test I was consistently happier when I was with others. Interestingly I also tended to be happiest when with 2 other people, rather than in a larger or smaller social situation.

Number of People?

It also told me that I am happiest when with close friends. It is perhaps obvious, but too often we forget that quality time with friends is vital to being happy. To track your own happiness and learn a bit more about yourself, give it a try.

Finding Happiness

I received some wonderful wisdom on happiness, from Alain de Botton at The School of Life. That is, that happiness exists in all of us. We will find it as soon as we stop pursuing it. Happiness can’t be chased or pinned down, rather it is living in and appreciating the moment.

The problem is, we busy ourselves so much with planning and critiquing life that we fail to recognise moments of happiness. We say, “When I’m as successful as him, then I will be happy”; “When I go on holiday, that's when life is good''; “Once I find a boyfriend, then everything will be fine”. But these are all moments of our lives we’re not living.

If we can be present right here and now, accept who we are and recognise what we love, then happiness will follow.
Find more at: The Schooloflife.com, Alaindebotton.com

Mexico City: Thursday Soul-day

This is a story from Ana Torres, in Mexico City. Thursday is Soulday in Mexico – a day of respite in frenzied week of work to get together, unwind, and ‘be here and now with people that are important to you.'

“Living in a city as large as Mexico City is not easy. Even more so when you hit your 30's. Work, work, work, traffic, stress, meetings, traffic, traffic, home. In other words, obligations and responsibilities...

A typical weekday... wake up at 7:00 am, shower, have breakfast, jump into the car for at least an hour until reaching the office. On the way to work, listen to the morning news and put on some makeup. Get to the office a bit past 9:00 am and begin all my tasks. Around 2:00 pm it's lunch time. Grab a quick bite somewhere nearby and be back by 3:00 pm. Then back to office duties. Near 8:00 pm, get back into the car and drive another hour back home, have some dinner and watch TV before falling asleep around 12:00 am.

Finding time to connect with friends and to do other activities is not as simple as it once was. There is just not enough minutes in a day.

But Thursday comes around and makes everything worth it. The air, the sky, the pace of the day is different to all other days. Why? Because it's the day we finally let go. It's the day my group of friends get together and unwind.

We meet at someone’s home, sit around the table, eat snacks and maybe even cook dinner, drink beer, mezcal, rum or whisky. But mostly talk, talk, talk. This is when everything seems to be forgotten. Forget work, forget traffic. Forget obligations and responsibilities. Forget virtual "friendship" Facebook and messenger. It's all about sharing. Sharing stories, memories, good times and bad. Sharing thoughts, feelings and emotions. Sharing laughter and smiles. Even sharing the same air.

No worries, no stress. Simply being in here and now with those who are important to you. This is the real thing. This is what life is all about. Pure and simple.”

Lonely hearts in a social world

I have just come across this excerpt from John T. Cacioppo’s study ‘Loneliness’:

“I am fifty six and have been divorced for years. When I was still with my husband and told someone I was lonely, they responded “But you’re married!” I have learned the difference between being alone and lonely. In a crowd, at work, even in a family setting, I always feel lonely. It can be overwhelming at times, a physical sensation…. Can you ever resolve the inner feeling of being alone? Shopping won’t do it. Eating won’t do it. Random sex doesn’t make it go away. If and when you find any answers, please write back and tell me”. – Kate Bishop

Kate Bishop, is lonely in a social world. She is yearning for a moment of connection – some intimacy - with people that love and understand her.

According to Cacioppo, a preeminent social neurologist based at UCLA, there are sixty million people in the US that feel sufficiently isolated for it to be a major source of unhappiness in their lives. He argues that such chronic feelings of isolation hasten people to an early grave by impacting their immune system and the aging process.

Cacioppo’s thesis is that humans are inherently social beings. Love, intimacy and social affiliation are the fundamentals of human health, as important to us as air and water.

The Art of Conversation

In her book, "The Art of Conversation", Catherine Blyth argues that conversation is becoming a lost art. The modern world tends to put pressure on all of our time, but conversation is vital to our happiness. It is only through conversation that we can gain understanding of each other and learn empathy. Respect for conversation has also been central in some of history's most creative periods, from the ancient Greek forum, to Johnson's coffee houses and the French Salons. It is for these reasons that Blyth urges us to talk. Here is her manifesto:

The Manifesto
Conversation is: Mutual appreciation, Co-operation, Spontaneous

It is not: Performance, Competition, Scripted

Three Principles: Generosity, Openness, Clarity

So find your closest friends and spend time devoted to conversation, with no aim other than to communicate.

Three Types of Friendship

To Aristotle, friendship was a fundamental part of the "good life". A life devoted to good friends was a life well-lived. This is a long way from our current understanding of friendship, where we cling to the word "friend", while stripping it of all its meaning and applying it to anyone we add on Facebook. The OUP word of 2009 was, after all, "unfriend".

However perhaps Aristotle can still help us understand. He split friendship into three. There were those friends who you did something with, such as work friends. The friendship relies on your shared activity, meaning if you get a new job, it is unlikely the friendship will survive. Secondly there are those friends with whom you share a passion, such as golf, or going to the gym together. Again, the friendship is only supported by this crutch, and removing it leads to the friendships collapse. Arguably these two categories of friendship are now also supported by facebook and online networks.

Lastly though there are those true friends who you connect with on a deeper level. You can go for years without seeing each other and connect just as easily afterwards, as the bond doesn't rely on shared experiences, but a shared understanding of each other. So though friendship has changed beyond recognition in the last ten years, "friendships of excellence" have remained virtually unchanged for thousands of years.

For more information listen to Mark Vernon on Philosophy Bites

Faith Popcorn: Cocooning most important trend of 2010

Faith Popcorn, America’s pre-eminent trend-watching guru is once again talking about ‘Cocooning’.

‘Cocooning’ has been in her trend bank for 30 years, but, she says it’s become more important than ever. In fact, it is the leading trend for 2010.

In this world of change and uncertainty, where trusted institutions are crashing, jobs being lost and long-admired celebrities/ politicians/ heroes are coming into question, our homes and private lives have become our safe haven.

Now, more than ever were are seeking to protect ourselves from the harsh, unpredictable realities of the outside world and ‘cocooning’ at home, with the ones we love and trust.

Madeleine: The stolen moments in between

They say life is made up of a series of 'events'. The planning, anticipation and execution of one event after the next - a meeting, a dinner party, a business pitch, a birthday, an interview, a wedding…

As a newly married solicitor in London, Madeleine’s life is certainly played out one event after the next. But, she says, the most treasured moments are the ‘stolen’ ones in between.

She shared with me an afternoon she spent with her husband and two best friends recently. This was no particular Sunday. After the wedding, after the honeymoon, after the frenzy of congratulations.

Her friends came over just because. They sat, laughed and listened to music until Aaron, the husband came home from the gym. Aaron joined the girls (was of course teased for his nerdy choice in gym shorts and shoes) and conversation flew away.

It was in the relaxed company of her husband and best friends that Madeleine had time to relax and reflect. To consider what she wanted to do next – “We decided in that afternoon that we were happiest by the sea, so this year we are moving to Brighton”. 

So, if life is made up of a series of events, it's the stolen moments in between that matter the most. 

Planned Spontaneity

The joy of no agenda connecting is in the spontaneity, but if you can't plan for it, you can certainly lay the groundwork. At the weekend I went Xploring with a group of friends, and you could not imagine a more condusive environment to honest connections.

Elements required:
- Relaxing and distraction-free environment: An empty farm-house in rural Somerset
- A group of close friends: University friends who have not seen each other for months
- The right atmosphere: Relaxing, calm, happy, convivial, conspiratorial, honest, open.

Even with the elements arranged there is no way to predict when the moment will occur. Interestingly there was a palpable sense that everyone present wanted the evening to develop into that sharing atmosphere, and yet it still had to come about organically. The planned dinner games and organized fun filled the void while we moved into a more free and honest frame of mind and could get on with what we were all there for. Before long the games collapsed and conversations sprung up all over the room. The evening then progressed of its own accord, directed by no-one and only ending when it had exhausted itself. It is perhaps best described as a moment of letting go; letting go of the plans and the arrangements, and allowing serendipity to rule.